Losing Billy

HOT ROD TO HEAVEN

This is a story about me and the lost of my 20 year old Son. This story is intended to show you there is life after lost, especially the lost of a child. It is not intended to cause hurt or pain to anyone, in fact it’s supposed to do the opposite and give you hope to continue living even when you just don’t want to any longer. It is a story to help anyone who has gone through or is going through a trauma life suddenly brings, one you just can’t make any sense out of, but somehow, with the help of many, finally come to an acceptance and understanding that we know nothing about this life at all. Somehow you find the God or Higher Self you thought was there but always had a doubt. Anger, hatred, sadness or any other emotion does come up and you just keep going to find an answer, any answer to hold on to so as to not completely go insane. Guilt holds you down and tries every little trick in the book to make you hate everyone and everything. You must keep going any way you can, you must force yourself, no matter what it takes for you to get through your days without taking your own life and join your loved one. You must find some comfort, somewhere to help you to keep going. Then one day perhaps years later, perhaps earlier, you find some light that goes off in your mind and you just know your loved one is fine and happy where they are and wants you to go on and be happy and live a happy life. My suggestion, if you choose to read this story, read it with two or more people together. You can then gather support from one another and find comfort in the fact that there are other people who may develop the same feelings while reading it. Or perhaps, you may share different feelings that come up for you. Sharing is what will get you through any situation, “good” or “bad”. It is indeed my hope that you find some solace in these pages and that you get some glimpses of the truth of who you are as a spirit and not just a body. And that you will one day “pay it forward” to those needing your love and support. One thing I’d like for us all to realize one day, is that there is no set time for one’s grieving to end. It sadden’s me to think still today, especially, in the field of traditional psychiatry and psychology that they are still “telling people how long it should take.” Or they give you a prescription and tell you to have a nice day. Much Love & Light to you and Many Blessings in all parts of your life as you “fight” to find acceptance in your experience of “life”.

Started writing this on March 18, 2015

I dedicate this story to Billy Campbell, my son, who was taken from us on June 14th, 2005, while he was riding his motorcycle, on his way to work. I also dedicate this story to his surviving siblings, Kacie Campbell, Jonathan Downs and Alison Downs who fought so hard to overcome the denial, anger, and sadness that comes from losing a brother they were so close to. And Noah Romer my Grandson, who turned 3 years old a few weeks after, who looks and acts like Billy at times. He has the same beautiful smile and personality as his Uncle. As this story is read, my hope and prayer is that you will gain insight on the Love that I have tried to share and show that came and still comes from the most amazing children that I have been blessed with beyond measure. To have had the opportunity to get to know and love these beautiful souls and will NEVER stop, even until and through eternity, has been the best “job” I could have ever asked for in this life. I would not have changed ANY of it for anything else this world could ever offer. May all your Beautiful Dreams Come True and May you Be Bless and Know that you have been Blessed, so that you may have the opportunity some time in your life to share the same Amazing Love that Billy Continues to Show, through the memories we all share from the past and the ones he continues to give through my thoughts now.

“HOT ROD TO HEAVEN” – RIDE ‘FREE’ BILLY

The Ongoing Inspiration of William Thomas Campbell, Jr. Continually aspiring wisdom he offers all of those he had the opportunity to “encounter” in this life, endlessly. If you can ‘think’, you can ‘feel’ the Love always!

INTRODUCTION

With tears already running down my face, I write these words in the hopes that those that read them will see how life must unfold exactly the way it does and how we must except that to “get” to The Love that is True and Real and can Only come from the trials we go through, no matter how hard and heartbreaking they seem to be. Finally, for me, a healing I want to share with the world, Life is never the same, it’s an ongoing healing.

The Accident

I was at work and received a text from my youngest daughter Alison, “Billy’s dead”. I then called her immediately. She was hysterical beyond any thing I could comprehend at that time. I then started screaming out loud while in the middle of Sear’s in Sarasota, Florida, my employer at the time, where everyone around just stopped shopping or whatever they were doing and was staring at me. I really could have cared less what anyone thought at that time.

One of my co-workers who was close by, came over, took me by the arm and led me to the office, where I was met by all of the managers on duty that day. The numbness that came over me and the horrible sadness and anger I was feeling that day, no one should ever have to go through. The compassion and kindness from everyone at Sear’s, will always be remembered in my mind and heart forever.

I remember Denise, my friend who had worked with me at Sear’s, was called, on the phone, by Debbie and came right over to help. We had both started at Sear’s the same time in Feb. of 2002. She had left and gone on to other endeavors. She, along with all the others tried to calm me down, but how do you calm down someone who had just been told her son was killed on his bike, through no fault of his own. The other co-workers were trying to keep me from leaving to go to Port Charlotte, where the accident was. Of course, I was in no shape to drive, which later I understood perfectly.

While waiting for Denise to show up, everyone was trying to make phone calls to family members and people I knew to help them find out what they could do to help. No one could make sense out of what was going on, least of all me. I couldn’t console my daughter Alison, or get in touch with my other daughter Kacie who was, as I found out later, at the scene along with many of Billy’s friends and co-workers from the restaurant he had been working at.

I had no clue what-so-ever as to what the hell was going on in my world that day and for days, weeks, months and years to follow, until I started writing the “story” about it. It’s funny how now I see it all as a story and not real at all. Everything I thought or lived, up to this point, seems like a nightmare now that I’ve learned how to “see” life differently and from a “new” perspective.

When my managers finally felt like I was okay enough to go down to Port Charlotte to face what I had to face, Denise had decided to drive me there in my car and would take my car back home with her til we made arrangements to meet again, so I could get my car back. I remember feeling like my life hit an all time low. I never want to feel that way ever again and I would never want anyone to go through that kind of experience.

Little did I know that was just the beginning of 10 years of twists and turns, up and downs, learning and unlearning of the many ways life has a way of “waking you up” to whatever you wished to “see”. I had lost people before in my life, a Brother, Billy’s dad, a Father, a Stepmom, friends and even an unborn baby. Loosing Billy seemed like the worse pain I had ever experienced in my life.

He had just turned 20 years old 3 1/2 weeks before. He had finally decided he was finished with “playing” life and taking it a little more seriously. Maybe that was the mistake, taking life seriously. From what I see now, there is nothing in this life I want to take serious ever again, except for the love I feel for my family and friends. I’ve had to learn to do my part in treating myself well, teaching and showing others to do the same, if they were willing, of course. You can’t make someone see the “errors” of their ways. There are many others who have used me along my journey, whether or not they “knew” what they were doing is on them. Of course, I realize today that I too have “used” others in my ignorance. I don’t believe anyone, in their “right mind” would ever want to harm themselves or anyone in any way. What may seem crazy to others is that Billy had told me 2 weeks before, because “I was concerned” about him riding his bike, that if he died on his bike, he’d be the happiest man in the world. Some say that was a death wish. I don’t see it that way today at all. Especially after hearing a couple of women I know, personally, who are very spiritual, let me know that Billy told them he was happy and also described what it was like after his passing and that he was indeed happy.

Billy was learning how to be a Chef at one of the Best Restaurants in Port Charlotte. He had just got his life back on track after having been in jail for “not have a motorcycle’s endorsement”, which truly strikes me funny, now. The story I was told was he’d been caught eluding the police for the third time because he didn’t have the endorsement. I was also told the officers who warned him a couple of times were his friends. The “accident” happened across the highway between Shell’s Restaurant and McDonald’s, with Carrabba’s being next door. He was literally one minute away from tuning into the parking lot of his job. The restaurant closed down not long after Billy’s passing. I don’t know how much the impact of Billy’s passing affected the workers there. I’m actually looking forward to hearing more stories after this story is in circulation. I was told Billy was one of their favorite employees. I was never surprised to here kind words from others about Billy’s personality. He made many smile and helped so many with a lot of things that went on in their lives. Billy was indeed a friend to many. I heard nothing but good things about him from everyone he met and who knew his sisters and brothers, as well. His friends were young as well as old and in-between. I met so many of them after the “fact”, I couldn’t keep tract of them all. One of his favorite phrases was “have a coke and a smile.”

Getting back to going to find Kacie and finding out where Billy was and what to do about his body. I wanted to see him to find out whether he was really gone or if I was having some kind of nightmare. When we finally were able to get in touch with Kacie, she met us at the coronaries office, where they absolutely refused to let me see him. I was in hysterics to say the least. I am so very grateful to Denise and Kacie being there because I truly don’t know what I would have done had they not been.

Next thing I knew Kacie told me there was going to be a candle light vigil held in the McDonald’s parking lot that night in honor of Billy and for everyone to meet there. I don’t remember where Kacie went but she would meet Denise and I there later on. Denise took me to the Fema trailer I was staying in because of Hurricane Charlie, another story all its own. Denise and I went to my home and I guess we talked but I don’t remember saying a whole lot of anything. I can laugh at the insanity of it all now, but it certainly wasn’t funny then or for some time to come.

At the candle light vigil, I remember the parking lot of the McDonald’s being so full. It hadn’t dawned on my mind then that Billy was so loved by so many. I realized even more of that at the benefits and the funeral. The faces on the people were full of sadness and confusion. I guess it was certainly on mine as well, but everyone ‘seemed’ to be in total denial, which of course make total sense now. The Rev. Pastor Stevenson and many of the church members of the church I had belonged to for many years were there. I don’t think I’ve ever seen as many friends of Billy’s in one place at the same time. It is truly heart felt now that I look back on it all and see how people do indeed come together in love and compassion when someone they know has suddenly vanished off the face of the earth. What is that all about anyway, people coming here, doing good and making a huge difference for the better of humanity, then suddenly is taken away. I had so many questions that I did not even pretend to have the answers to. I don’t really have any concrete answers today except to say that when I began to trust in a Higher Power, completely that “reasoning” came, and what a process that is in oneself.

We all were just standing around, people coming over to Kacie and I, offering their condolences and leaving so others could do the same. Others, as I see it now, were afraid of what was happening, especially the young people, Billy’s friends, who had no “earthly” clue as to how to act or respond to me or Kacie. I remember feeling a lot of anger, so much anger and I felt at the time that all of the others were all directed at me. That would happen for years afters, until I myself decided that I couldn’t carry everyone’s weight of it all any longer. It also helped so much with the Guidance I received from God, Spirit, Source, Energy or Who/Whatever you choose to call It. Of course, I did not listen at first but as the different stages of a experience occurred, I listened more and more. Thinking about it all, I was lost, angry, confused and sad as well as everyone there. They couldn’t see mine and I couldn’t see theirs because we all seemed to be consumed in our own grief.

At the end of the vigil, Rev. Stevenson had gathered everyone around in a circle, as best he could, to say a prayer and the next thing I remember is ending up at the Fema trailer at Viscaya Lakes. Denise left to go home and I was alone to contemplate it all that night. Being alone, I was thinking of Billy just three months before staying in the bedroom of that trailer because of something that had happened with his then mentor. Billy had been staying with him for almost a year. I do not recall if Billy went into detail about what happened with him. Of course, now I understand so much more of the lies told by so many, who tried to make me out to be the “bad” mother. Whenever anyone wanted to help me or anyone of my children, there was always “money” involved. It’s funny to me that whenever I helped I was always the one giving the money and don’t really remember getting any real kindness and support from anyone that didn’t involved money. That’s all neither here nor there now, so I’ll just end with this, Billy and I talked about his life, my life and the things we both endured and was able to forgive and forget about the things that didn’t matter and remember only the things that did matter in life. Only The Love Is Real. Who would have thought that would have been the last truly intimate time we would have together in this life before he left us all and way too soon for some of us.

The Arrangements for the Funeral

After a night of exhaustion for everyone, the next day would take us to Funeral home. My friend, Shawneen, from the 7th Day Adventist Church, where I had been a member for about 7 years, at the church in Punta Gorda, Florida, came to be with me and help with the arrangements. My gratitude towards her and her entire family will continue forever. They were all great friends to all of us during the time we were members of the church. They would help everyone of us with any situation we needed. Gregg, Shawneen’s husband, a friend, acting father to my children, a confidant to many, and an opera singer, would always make time to help us in any way he could.

Their children Nicole, Danielle, Gregg, Jr. and Jojo were always trying to help my children feel like a part of the church and family. Shawneen, without a doubt showed her support and friendship beyond what I could have expected and without her, I seriously don’t know what would have happened. I am grateful to have been a part of a loving and kind extended family.

As for the funeral itself, Shawneen put together the ceremonies that needed to be done. Although much of it I do not remember because of the numbness I felt at the time, from beginning to end, her professionalism was outstanding to say the least. She also helped with finding the “right” lawyer to take care of the legalities of what needed to be taken care of. It amazes me now, to see how life’s “dreams” take complete advantage of people going through trauma. “Dreams” will be explained in a different section of the story. I only ask that you do not interpreted any of this to your own liking. It is not intended to make accusations about anyone or anything. This is my story, or my “movie”, if you will, as my counsellor and friend, the Rev. James, would call it. More about him later.

The arrangements were made for the funeral and we left. The way I feel now about how “our ego” sometimes take advantage of others, in situations like these causes me to want to offer my experiences with this and other things in my life, to help others get a better understanding of why they happen. People are just doing what they know to do. It’s never really personal unless you make it so. The Course in Miracles Page on my website, Let’s Wake Up Billy!, will hopefully explain some of the things I am speaking about.

Meeting the Lawyer and the Benefit

I met with Brent, the lawyer who handled the legalities, along with a friend and mentor of my son Billy and friend of the family, a day or so later. I decided, along with Michael’s help, of which I am thankful for, to retain Brent as my lawyer. I said good bye to them both and met up with Kacie, my daughter, who had arranged a “benefit” for Billy, along with her employer, Blake, the owner of the now Porky’s Restaurant and Night Club. He had also owned a separate club on Taylor Road in Punta Gorda, called Rain, where the benefit was held.

The benefit was crowded just like the candle light vigil, the 10th one was just held this year, 2015. It’s been being held every year in the parking lot of McDonald’s. Billy’s accident happened right next to it on Route 41 in Port Charlotte, Florida. Blake’s professionalism was extraordinary and helped Kacie put together a benefit to remember. I will always be grateful to Blake and his employees for their generosity towards our family.

Rose and Paul, who filled in as Billy’s substitute parents when I couldn’t, were there along with Candice and her family and were very supportive of us all. Candice had been Billy’s first fiance’ but life would change that very quickly after about three or four years of friendship. They had remained friends, one of the many beautiful things I loved about their generation. No matter what issues came up between the many friends of all of my children, they always seemed to be able to forgive and not allow their friendship to hinder them growing. Rose stayed in touch with me and sent me Mother’s Day Cards for years. I still hear from Rose and Candice occasionally and will always be grateful to them for their love and loyalty to Love.

The Viewing

The day started out like any other day until we got to the funeral home. My eldest sister Linda was there with her daughter Marcie and her year old little girl Emily. I got to the door of the room where Billy’s body was laid but felt like an invisible glass in front of me, stopping me from entering. Crying, of course, I went over to my sister Linda, who had already been waiting and watching to escort me in. Shawneen, had stepped aside once my family was there. I respect her so much, even to this day. By the way, St. John’s Wart works great for stress levels you go through in these kinds of situations. Shawneen was a connoisseur on nutrition, of which I was big into at the time, gave me just what I needed for my nerves without drugs. So grateful she was there!

Linda takes me by the hand and leads me up to the casket. Crying harder, I allowed myself to look. I’m sure I said some words, but they are blocked from my memory at the moment. I’m sorry seems like what I would have said, but for what. Some of the thoughts that were going through my mind were so scrambled and abundant, that I’m glad I don’t remember a whole lot of that particular day.

After, I guess, me saying my words, I stood aside and allowed others to pay their respects. Now that I think about that, what does that mean, pay respects to a body. Who made that up anyway? There are so many “words” and “sayings” we have made up in this “so called” life, I swear I have no idea what they mean. Most don’t make a bit of sense to me, especially now, after studying the ACIM Original Edition. There were so many people, I don’t even remember talking or even saying hi to half of them. That’s pretty much what I remember about the viewing. People coming in and out. I do remember always looking for Kacie, Jon and Ali and when they weren’t in view, I would ask where they were. I wanted them with me to make sure they were safe. I mean how twisted my thinking was back then. Now that I think about that, how controlling I was. I just didn’t want to lose any more of the people I loved. Today my thinking is almost completely reversed. I allow My Father and Yours as well to ‘think’ for me. The Course in Miracles will explain everything for you, if you choose to read and study it for yourself, if you don’t understand what my words are saying.

I believe we all went out to eat after the viewing and were supposed to go back the next morning for the funeral. That part still seems blurry. I’m wondering if that’s when I started drinking after ‘playing’ the perfect “person” for 10 years before. I had occasionally drank and smoked but had quit everything for about 8 years totally til Billy’s passing. I didn’t drink, smoke, or anything that would “harm” me. I had been very active in my ‘church’ and only doing what was “allowed” to stay a member. Thinking about that today I can not believe I did not listen to my children when they called me straight out a “hippocrite”. Now I laugh at that too. I asked myself why was I trying to be perfect in a world that is not. A Course in Miracles explains that one as well, again if you are willing to open your mind and heart to learning a “different way” of seeing and viewing the world.

Family Coming from up North

If I remember correctly, Brent had come down from Sarasota the next day to help arrange hotel accomodations for family coming in from the North, for the funeral. He had become very compassionate and caring to me and many times there after stopped everything he was doing, to come and console me. I guess everyone has a part to play in life for every occasion.

The night before the funeral, I remember the reunion everyone had and we all seemed to be okay. I must have been in denial, big time, because I acted like it was just another family reunion and was not accepting Billy’s passing at all. We were all talking and singing and acting like it was no big deal, at least that was my perception of it that night and many days and nights to come. Thinking about it all now I realized that I had not accepted any of it.

We all seemed to have had fun reminiscing over past stories and shared what was going on in our lives but I don’t remember in detail many of the thing was actually said. The feelings I was feeling were of, as I think about it now, joy and happiness, resentment and hatred all at one time. Remembering now what the Bible had taught me about when a person passes to ‘rejoice’ and when one is born, to ‘weep’. I now understand that one much better on a “spiritual” level. Much weeping would come later for many years and still to this day.

The night ended and I felt like everyone was happy they were there. We all went to our separate rooms at the hotel. Some sharing rooms with others. I ended up in Kenny’s room, who was Kacie and Billy’s Uncle, their Dad’s little brother. It felt safe for some reason to be with him. I’ve known him since he was 16 years old and since Billy or his Dad was no longer with us, I thought it was okay for him to console me as well. Kacie and Billy’s Dad(Bill) had passed 19 years before this. I felt I needed to be with Kenny, since he was the closest to his brother, (my thoughts) on that side of the family. We talked some but I do not recall the total conversation except for the part about his brother Bill. We were remenicing about the times when Bill was alive and the fun we all had together. Kenny and I always had a kind of close relationship spiritually speaking, or at least I felt that way. I remember him holding me til I fell asleep.

The following morning we all woke up and prepared for the day that would be embedded in my memory and held me prisoner to my heartache for 10 years and then the writing of the story of it all.

The Funeral – Saying Goodbye Was The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Had To Do

I’m not sure but I think I just got ready and maybe drove my car to the funeral home for the funeral service, though I don’t remember that part. I just remember being there and all the people coming in. There were so many people that I couldn’t believe my eyes. Standing room only was putting it mildly. I think everyone in Charlotte County was there and just about everyone from my job. They just kept coming in.

We’re all sitting in the chairs waiting for the ceremony to begin and I remember seeing Kacie and Billy’s oldest sister, Kristin, from their dad’s marriage before meeting me, coming in with a church member I knew, who helped tremendously with my children while attending the church. He had gotten a call from her and went to the airport to pick her up without me even knowing. None of us had seen Kristin since her, Kacie and Billy’s dad passed away in September of 1986. She was only 3 years old then, she grew up, lol. We had heard, I think about a year later that she had passed away of a heroin overdose. Her mom had passed not too long before that while having a procedure done with her stomach for her weight.

What goes through my mind now is all the stories I heard in my head of other people’s “perceptions” about how I lived my life. I shouldn’t do this and I shouldn’t do that and if I did that, which I had already done, I was going to “hell”. I’m laughing at it all now because of what I have come to understand in the last ten years of how our “thinking” has ’caused’ “all” of our ‘seeming’ problems, we think we have. There is a way of “thinking” the world has taught us that, in my ‘perception’ now causes what and why we do the things we do that “seem” to be the “wrong” way. I now realized and “know” in my heart of hearts that there is no “wrong or right” way in Truth. I learned this and much much more from the Course in Miracles. It is a radical way of thinking that does not at all match the way the world teaches. But brings the peace of mind in the individual and truly changes the way you see yourself and the people around you. It also brings this unbelievable compassion inside your heart and you have to share it because of the Love you’ve ‘found’ that truly was never lost.

Listening to all of the different people saying their “part” in the ceremony touched me very deeply. What they all had to say about Billy made me feel like a great mom. There were definitely times, especially when they all turned teenagers that, let’s just say were a bit difficult. Kacie and Billy, I think had a harder time with the teenage years then their brother Jonathan and sister Alison. In my mind it was because of the fact that they got to spend their late teenage years with their dad and Kacie and Billy never did.

I requested that at the end of the ceremony that Billy’s body be brought in to view one last time. I heard that that was not a normal request at all. As you may be able to tell by now, that I definitely wasn’t thinking about what others were thinking as normal. Thinking about it now, I don’t think that was such a weird request, considering the way I felt then. Everyone had paid their respects one last time and we all left to go to the grave. That was the hardest part of all for everyone. I was so caught up in my own denial that I don’t even remember Kacie, Jon and Ali even being there.

When all were finally at the grave the ceremonies for that part begun and ended as normal. I remember, or at least that’s what my mind tells me, that at the end when everyone was leaving to go to the ‘dinner’ planned at the 7th Day Adventist Church, I wanted to stay til the they lowered him in the ground. Of course, I wanted to jump in there with him. I had this shell necklace of Billy’s that I threw in with him as they were lowering him. I wish I would have kept that now. Not thinking once again. For a couple of years after, I would go and buy them just because Billy liked them a lot. We all gathered at the “church” to eat and I don’t remember too much accept for people trying to console me. Maybe I don’t want to remember because it was over before I knew it and truly don’t remember what went on after that. I don’t even remember if family member’s flew back home that evening or we stayed an extra night at the hotel.

I do remember my employer’s telling me to take as much time as I need before returning to work. I was out for 2 weeks and was going crazy. I didn’t know what the hell to do. So I returned to work and my co-workers were asking me why I came back so soon. Each of them consoled me the best way they knew and I will never forget the compassion of each and every one. A lot of them cried with me individually and talked with me about what they were feeling and listened to me when I had to talk, about anything, especially Billy.

The Counselling with Jim

Two months later the anger was getting out of control. One of my co-workers, whom I absolutely loved and had a really great relationship with, Rudy, had come over to me while I was working in a different department and I just screamed at him. He was taken aback because no one in the store ever seen me getting angry to the extreme where I lost my temper, at least that’s my story, smiles. I remember calling up Brent and he came to talk with me and suggested counselling. I told him I would but it had to be a “christian” counsellor. Little did I know, it was A Course in Miracles Student/Teacher, who said he was a christian. That was the start of my “waking up” to what ‘Reality’ was truly about.

I went constantly to Jim’s workshops for about six and a half years. Bible study classes, Course in Miracles Classes, Dream Workshops, Relationship Group Therapy and One on One with Jim. I would be at his groups 4, 5 and 6 times a week or more if he was teaching more. Before I saw Jim, though, I was set up with Joan, a Sexologist, for almost a month. I still don’t know why I was seeing her, it made no sense at all, except she was very supportive of me crying on her shoulders. I laugh now about that because I never knew exactly what they are supposed to achieve with their clients. I mean I really had no problem with sex (lol). I understand now, of course, that it’s about communication, not just the “act”.

We talked a lot about Billy and other things. When I wasn’t there Kacie and I would hang out together night and day. One time we were driving down Rt. 41 and we were crying so hard that I could hardly see the road, then all of a sudden I saw on my side of the window Billy riding along on his motorcycle, smiling at us and I think I asked Kacie if she saw him. I don’t remember her response, but when she reads this, she’ll let me know I’m sure. She probably already has but it’s good for me to keep hearing the good things, you know. Kacie and I had so many ups and downs together for about 4 years straight. We were inseparable at that time. We met up with old friends, new friends, moved around together and separate the whole time. We always kept finding our way back to each other. We went to Jim’s groups together. He helped us both in different ways and on different levels to see where each other were coming from. One time Kacie was so pissed off at me and the things we went through while she was growing up, she called me all kinds of names. I understand it all now, becoming healed myself from my own past.

Kacie had a three year old boy and I just lost my 20 year old . It was so crazy. I remember one session we both had with Jim. Jim had helped with more then just Billy’s passing. Of course in any great counselling session, the counselor brings out things from the pass, which must be re-visited, if healing is going to occur. Jim use to role model with many of us in group therapy and one on one. It’s amazing how a “good” therapist will show you how to see things yourself, without “telling” you what you should see. I will always be grateful for what Jim taught and helped me with. Being A Course in Miracles teacher/student definitely helped me.

So, Jim taught me a lot about life, in general and how the Course in Miracles perspective on “life” showed a different way of viewing life. It’s definitely a radical way of seeing compared to the way the world teaches you how. It wasn’t easy for Kacie or myself, but by the Grace of God we are great friends today and get along as if nothing had ever happened. At least that’s my perspective. Big Smiles.

Alison had moved back when she was 19 and came to the sessions once in a while. She had more insight then I certainly did. I always said my kids taught me how to love and showed me what life was all about but when they became adults, I had to learn to treat them as such. As I said before I was very controlling, even though I taught them they had their own minds and lives to live. When they decided to use their own minds, I was, in my mind wondering, what they were doing. I didn’t want them to decide on their own. After all, I was the one who took care of them all of their lives and, in my opinion, struggled but most of the time I had fun with them. I just didn’t want them to have their own lives. Of course, they did and I had to learn that they were not mine to “keep”. They had no problem what-so-ever letting me know that it was their life. When I look back, I’m really grateful I taught them independence because they handle life and it’s “monstrosities” pretty well. Of course they have issues now and again, who doesn’t. But it’s not the end of the world, as we know it, thank God.

And then there’s Jon, my youngest, by 21 minutes, (Big Smiles) and twin brother of Alison. To me he had the hardest time dealing with Billy’s passing. I not sure I remember, or even know to this day if he even talked with Jim, although I kept letting him know that Jim was available for him, as well. I’m sure when he reads this, he’ll let me know, as well. The struggles they’ve all had to face because of this lost are unbelievable to many, maybe even for them, but I see all of them overcoming and rising above the things in life we just don’t understand. One thing I can say about Jon, he’s still has the same job he had when he was 15 and still helping and doing for others the best way he knows how. He’s a giver like his brother Billy. He’s always there to lend someone a helping hand. Him and I have a somewhat distance relationship for whatever reason right now in the last couple of years. But I intend to change that. Maybe writing this was just what I needed to seeing that I miss all of my children.

I stayed with Jim for about six and a half years, then found many other people who’ve helped along the way. Healing with The Masters, A webcast I listened to with many of the Masters were so helpful for those years. From there, I found out about Louise Hay and Hayhouse Radio. Shortly after, I found the Course in Miracles Society. The Rev. Tony had gotten in touch with me over FB to see about joining his ministerial program. I accepted and was a part of that for a year. You need two years to become a Reverend in that program. Then, working for him a little, I found Rev. Pamela and Rev. Reja Joyce who were holding conference calls in the morning on the lessons of a Course in Miracles. I believe it was a year later that Carl started a Text Reading call. It’s not Carl anymore doing those calls, it’s Chris and I have found more love and support on these calls and am committed to continuing with them as long as God allows me to. There truly are so very many people out there who have been through the same things in life as you and I, who are ready and willing to help whoever asks.

There is so much more to tell about this story, mine and others but I’m going to allow others, if they would like to, to share their part of what they want and remember. I’m sure there are many things that they saw or felt that I didn’t. After all, we’re all here experiencing our own stories. And that’s just how I see it now. We all have a story to tell. Life is NOT as serious as we make it out to be. We just have to change our minds about what we want to see and try and Trust that there is Something much Higher then what we see as mere bodies.

I could go on and and on about the other “things” and not so good ones that have happened during these last 10 years, but the basics are covered and the rest is an on-going learning in staying in my right-minded thinking and helping others to do the same. I’m Grateful and Thankful for the Experiences I’ve had and for those to come. But I will say “now” I’m looking forward to only the Happy Dreams in my life. Love and Light and Peace and Joy Are For All Who Wish to Experience Them…

Conclusion

As I understand it from a “spiritual” point of view, we can’t understand everything at one time. It’s a process of waking up to Love and Kindness for Everyone, for Love Is What We Are! When we just give our thoughts and wants over to Love or a Higher Power, answers do come. It happens little by little but the patience you learn from it all is so peaceful, when you finally accept life on life’s terms and, of Course, God’s terms. So many people look for meaning in other people and what we can get from those kinds of relationships. (It doesn’t matter what “level” you are at in your understanding of your ‘walk’ in life, start from where you are.) Other’s look for meaning in their jobs, their houses, their businesses. I did as well, but now I look for meaning where meaning came from and that is my Source. It has many names, Great Spirit, God, Holy Spirit, Positive Energy, Sanity, Wonderful Counselor. It doesn’t matter what you want to call It, It’s all the Same. It comes, for me, from wanting positive things to experience in this life. We’re taught about the negative aspect of life and then we set out to live a positive one, but those things we were taught are in our minds and subconsiously, we live those out until life isn’t happening the way we want. Then we search for another way.

I talk about the Course a lot because that is what helps me. Other’s I’ve learned from in the past 10 years learn from the Bible, or Science or Life itself or the Stars, Galaxies. Most of my learning in the last ten years, came from others who studied the Course, the Stars, Spiritual Science, Astrology. After studying the Bible and attending church for many many years, and raising my children in the “church”, it didn’t work for me anymore, after Billy passed. I was the “good girl” but I knew I was just playing a part and keeping “safe” as best I can. And being a single parent, was keeping my children safe. Little did I know the “Power” of the mind. The way one thinks, for me, definitely causes your life to go in one direction or the other.

We must become aware of what we’re thinking because it effects the world we live in and causes one to be part of the helping of humanity to become whole as One with each other and God, or it causing humanity to stay in the dis-functioning of the world and separate from each other. I chose to be part of the helping and will continue to do my part in helping others to see their worth.

Life is you, life is me, life is the trees, the planet, the animals, the stars. Life is what you make it. Choose Love and Love Comes! That is the Only Promise I can make with Certainty. All else is just experiencing a story.

Much Love, Light, Joy, Peace, Hope, Happiness and Understanding is my Prayer and Hope for All of God’s Creations, whether you believe or not! I DO AND ALWAYS WILL… PEACE!